Battling the Emotional Toxicity Within Games: How to Digitally Thrive

To attack the emotional ransomware of toxicity within games and beyond, we need the cryptographic key of kindness and radical acceptance of our fellow humans. And since you can’t spell toxicity in games without League of Legends, there's no one better from whom  to seek guidance than Dr. Kimberly Voll, the founder of Thriving in Games (formerly Fair Play Alliance) and the architect behind the complete reimagining of the League of Legends Honor system in 2017.

According to Dr. Voll, if social media has become our town square, games have become our playground. To make that playground safer, she and her team changed the League Honor System to focus more on collaboration over singular glory. Further change must come from each one of us — and it may require years of really hard and painful work.

Content warning!

The content in this blog post is quite heavy and it may be difficult to read (it may even be triggering for some of you), but it is necessary to consider these tough truths if we want to be part of the change. Understanding the hidden costs of gaming can bring you a step closer to “digitally thriving,” which is Dr. Voll’s desired endgame. We can’t expect to thrive digitally if we can’t thrive physically and mentally — and, to do that, we need to accept and cherish our humanity in its entirety, including the not so shiny parts (even at work).

Spending your formative years in an unsafe place causes lifelong adverse mental effects — a conservative estimate stated one in seven children in the United States is in this boat. When a child doesn’t have a safe home, they consider every space, including digital ones, unsafe — and they act accordingly. 

Children who are raised in a hostile environment don’t innately understand unconditional love the way a child from a healthy home does because the “caregiver” often needs care instead of giving it. This causes the child to feel threatened every day, in every situation, including at school, at home, and (later) in the workplace. These unhealthy kids can grow into unhealthy adults who create more unhealthy kids. It’s a short trip to generational trauma.

I was one of those kids, and I grew up to be an emotionally abusive adult as a result. There is a difference between being yourself despite others and being yourself at the expense of others. I didn’t even know my upbringing was abnormal until I was 29 years old. It’s possible that yours was, too. Addressing toxicity and safety in games starts with every one of us taking a hard look at ourselves. Seeking help doesn’t make you weak, but ignoring trauma will shorten your life and ruin your relationships. Please be brave enough to seek help if you need it.

Digital and physical spaces are different, but both are grounded in the core human need to socialize. Dr. Voll even mentioned she would consider both spaces “all IRL nowadays,” but noted the medium doesn’t allow for an exact comparison (Figure 1). Even with the most advanced video communication in games, the lack of real-life face-to-face interaction creates a “fundamental disconnect from humanity,” she said, that significantly contributes to some negative in-game interactions.

The level of separation we have created between IRL and digital creates much more systemic issues, like not being supportive of our children and hindering their growth as a result of negative stereotypes. “By partitioning online spaces off as somehow ‘separate’ from reality, we risk subtly excusing ourselves as society from taking it as seriously,” Voll continued.

Rather than creating unconscious separation by categorizing them differently, Voll suggested we “move toward thinking of video game[s] as social infrastructure” by “treat[ing] such spaces with the same degree of care and responsibility that we would treat a park we’re installing in the local community.” What a beautiful sentiment to reinforce to the future generations of gamers: Everyone has a place here.

To do this, we have to understand why we created the separation in the first place. Our brains like compartmentalization because it’s easy to do. “Mental” is literally in the middle of the word, and we use the term “no-brainer” with glee. Here’s where the negativity lies in wait: In order to categorize something, a judgment has to be applied.

Judgment usually has a negative connotation, and science supports that. The question “Is this good or is this bad?” implies there is a right answer and a wrong answer. That suggests a consequence, which creates urgency. This is actually a survival mechanism given to us from the animal kingdom; in the wild, the wrong answer could literally mean life or death, so the quicker we can make those assessments and decisions the better our chance of survival — just like in our game world.

We seek games out the most when we crave escapism. More often than not, that's when we’re not doing well mentally. That negativity follows us into the game world, both as a player and as an architect. Those of us who are responsible for these “textured [digital] spaces” (Voll) need not only to be aware of these concerns for ourselves as players but also how we approach designing and securing them.

Half the population are gamers, so the effects of this widespread negativity is rampant among our community. It affects our ability to critically think, grow, and feel a sense of place within a space, which can be exacerbated in online forums (where nuance is lacking) or in highly emotional situations (like losing a game). 

This dark cloud affects how we show up everywhere: to work, in relationships, and especially in our games — a place that can provide us with a sense of identity when we can’t find one within ourselves.

If a child never feels a sense of safety, they can see the world much more adversarially. That child’s life can become a real-life battle royale. As adults, they may subconsciously believe that they deserve to be treated poorly and may stay in situations long beyond what is safe or healthy.

Many of us go years without even knowing that we experienced trauma. We live a life of hidden mental injury unless those brain paths are directly addressed through things like self-discovery and therapy. Trauma alters your brain chemistry and causes lifelong physical health challenges. Combatting trauma requires intention and action, not passive acceptance.

Negative thoughts are literally easier for us to create and hold on to than positive ones; they are often the default in times of conflict or even in neutral situations. Criticism is remembered over praise, and ambivalence is mistaken for malice. This boils down to a very basic element: The harder we have to think about something, the more energy it takes. It does in fact require calories to think, which is why developers make in-game purchases so easy to make — and these easy purchases account for US$125 billion of the US$223 billion 2023 games revenue.

If a brain is in survival mode, it also wants to conserve calories, so it will favor quick decisions over thoughtful ones. A traumatized brain will remain on guard (anxious), assuming ill intent by default. This subconsciously reinforces a “need” to judge our thoughts, which will lead to self-judgment, continuing the negative self-fulfilling prophecy (Figure 2).

Negative judgments are quick and reactionary; positive ones take time to evaluate. Neutral thoughts do not require a judgment, but our brains believe they do, especially if we’ve been traumatized.

If two of our three thought judgments make us feel negative, we subconsciously judge ourselves and others twice as harshly as reality dictates. Self-judgment is the real Big Bad™, and it can be hard to identify as internal rather than external, which can in turn heavily affect how we show up in the world. Negative self-judgment is a debuff that wrecks all of us.

To understand binary transactionality, let’s look at how a dog owner might teach their pup a trick. The owner may use positive and negative reinforcement to create the pathways that connect the command to the desired trick (Figure 3).

Although this may be an effective way to prep your pup’s party trick, it can get quite sinister when it’s applied to human emotion. If a child is deprived of love when they do something “wrong” or only shown love when they do something “right,” the child’s brain forms faulty brain pathways on how to appropriately respond in a situation; they often react quickly instead of responding thoughtfully.

Furthermore, it creates a transactional understanding of relationships rather than genuine human connection. Viewing every interaction as a transaction removes our ability to learn, because there is always an implied consequence.

This concept is further reinforced within first-person shooter games, or other games that require a quick reaction time to succeed. Survivorship bias strengthens those mental justifications, further embedding this reactionary behavior as “good.” The more you game, the more chances your brain has to embed these paths as “good” and “bad,” which subtly reinforces what I (un)lovingly refer to as “the trauma cache.”

We’re all gamers here — no one likes lag, especially when the stakes are survival (in game and out). Computers are just really fast versions of our brains, cache included. A browser cache stores things that don’t typically change locally rather than fetching them every time from the internet (e.g., your search engine homepage) to give us those microseconds back that we have come to crave. It will remain thus until the cache is cleared. A back-end webpage update won’t always reflect on the front end unless there is an intentional action to clear the cache.

Similarly, our brains cache responses to stimuli. Victims of child abuse and neglect are at lifelong risk for revictimization, which can yet again reinforce these pathways and worsen self-esteem. If the person doesn’t even know they have mental concerns that need to be addressed, they will live in this trauma cache and indefinitely deepen these unhealthy thought processes.

The trauma cache can enhance an “us vs. them” undercurrent that our brain will then use to create an oversimplified and exaggerated belief that “people = unsafe, therefore people = bad.” This is what the 2017 League Honors update was combatting: instead of “us/me vs. them” it’s “us vs. the challenge.” (Thanks to u/yearsofpractice for your comment on a Reddit thread with this idea.)

When we start generalizing at the expense of individuality, we subconsciously reinforce stereotypes and choose actions based on judgments for or against those stereotypes rather than on reality.

If the binary is as simple as “good” and “bad” we don’t actually have to expend the effort to think — we can just react because there’s a very clear “right” and “wrong” answer.

Since we slant toward pessimism naturally, those of us raised without a feeling of safety experience a particularly bleak version of reality. We begin to believe our judgments (which are inherently personal and subjective) are objective truths — and act accordingly. 

You may believe that if someone is a “bad” person, they deserve to be treated poorly. If you believe every person is bad, then everyone is an enemy. Someone who is literally opposing you (such as in-game) will seem even further removed from you. Not only are they physically distant, but also cognitively distant because you are a good person and they are a bad one. And bad people don’t deserve respect, so it’s okay to insult them, right? 

If you feel like your teammate is actually your enemy, you’ll function completely differently than you would if you trusted them. If you grow up never learning how to trust, this can be a huge mental point of contention that could drive a wedge between you and your other social connections, including partners and bosses. 

Mix all this up with heightened emotions and a success-based self-worth, and you can get some nasty sportsmanship. That inability to play nicely with friends, of course, may then lead to more solo playing, which just removes any further opportunities to foster collaboration over victory. This isolation intensifies the mental conundrum, as well. We may believe that we are helping everyone by isolating (saving people from being around us and saving ourselves from pain), but we’re actually making it worse. We are social creatures by nature, and actively working against that will worsen preexisting mental conditions. 

The bottom line: The trauma cache can’t discern a helper from a hurter, so we ultimately end up hurting ourselves even more in the long run via our faulty programming.

Toxic behaviors are often a projection of how we feel we should be treated ourselves. Social media and streamers can exacerbate this issue because they are seen as sources of authority, and they often highlight heightened emotions. A comedian’s performance is that person at 150%. An influencer posts their moments of greatest success.

Dr. Voll reminds us that “we have a tendency to assume people are just like us” and this is a good example of how that thought can be weaponized. If you believe the norm is 150%, you may unnecessarily judge yourself and others (and thus act) negatively.

Personalities that develop around gaming successes and failures as a means to escape an unsafe situation create an unwavering desperation for success because that is their route to survival. Becoming a successful e-athlete or streamer could mean getting out of an abusive household. This could make a victory literally feel like the stakes are life or death. Even if our consciousness doesn’t know something is wrong, our brain’s survival mechanism does.

Because this untreated mental illness is so rampant, these extreme behaviors feel even more relatable to many of us, which creates an echo chamber. Exposure to differences in culture, communication style — even hair color — provides us more with context and nuance, which can give us that extra second to think rather than act. This gained information can greatly affect how we show up in the next similar situation, and allow us to (hopefully) lean more toward the positive the second time.

There may not be an I in team but there is one in collaboration. Individuality within the collective should be celebrated, not suppressed — there is a difference between individuals working together for a common cause and getting lost in the thoughtless hoard.

The 2017 League Honors update by Voll and her team is a great case study on how collaboration doesn’t have to mean putting oneself down for the sake of the many. Working together allows you to understand how the machine works as a whole and find your place within said machine.

Since at least 2006, science has been telling us that teams are objectively better at solving complex problems than even the most clever individual. Even the most OP Mage in DA:O needs their party’s tactics properly configured when it’s time to slay the Archdemon. (Especially now that friendly fire is an option. 🐉)

Voll’s version created a culture shift — collaboration was built into the game (Figure 4). This reimagining was intended to help players communicate effectively rather than talk “past each other,” as Dr. Voll put it.

Fig. 4: The LoL Honor system before and after Dr. Kimberly Voll’s reimagining of it in 2017

Honors were tied to other systems (like end-of-season rewards and Hextech Crafting), which made the system a more integral part of the player experience and progression. On the flip side, the updated Honor system also punishes negative or toxic player behavior — all the way up to permabans. 

A radical culture shift occurred because the new system is based on how humans actually act rather than how we say we act. Considering the fact that the 2023 League tournament rivaled physical sports viewership (with 6.4 million concurrent viewers worldwide) and hosted almost 20,000 people at the event, I'd say Dr. Voll’s changes go a long way toward protecting gamers’ mental health.

We’ve got your six

With more than 13,000 layoffs in the gaming industry from January through October 2024, this is a particularly difficult time for games folk.

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